


He's Back Again!

by spookyawards_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, Humor, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-07-11
Updated: 2005-07-11
Packaged: 2019-04-28 04:28:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14441403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spookyawards_archivist/pseuds/spookyawards_archivist
Summary: Mulder describes his latest gripes with this author.





	He's Back Again!

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Spooky Awards](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Spooky_Awards), and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2018. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address on [SpookyAwards' collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/spookyawards/profile).

Title: He's Back Again 

Author: Pattie 

Archive: Gossamer. I will take care of the rest. Come see my website: http://trish59ontario.tripod.com/ Others please ask first. 

Disclaimer: Chris Carter, Ten Thirteen Productions and Fox Studios still own the rights to the X-Files characters and title. I do not collect money from writing fanfiction, and I do not intend copyright infringement. 

Author's Note: As some folks think this type of story I write on occasion is part of a series, I think I could add this to the other three or four that have Mulder and/or Scully ragging out on me. Is it a good idea? 

It was probably a good thing Mulder had been asleep while Scully was being interrogated by their captors. The injuries he had sustained during the beatings had left little strength to do anything else. As bruises began to appear on his face and torso, the blisters on his arms and legs were ready to burst, inviting infection. As he lay on the cement floor of the musty, dark basement... 

"Again, huh?" 

Yeah, I was just wondering what Mulder would say if he saw me writing him so horribly injured. Huh! This time, it's going to be a better story than the last one. The things one imagines during a nice session of writing sometimes. Anyhow... 

... his fever climbed and the dreams of fire, broken limbs and Scully's screams startled him awake. 

"Let me guess: another Mulder Torture story, only this time with Scully tortured as well. Broken bones, bruises, cracked ribs, damp, dark, moldy basement and restraints. You do know, even the writers on the show tortured me less than that." 

You again! Gee, I knew I smelled that aftershave, but I thought it was just wafting up into my room from some guy on the street. You're here again? Isn't there some other author you could pester right now? Uh, uh, UH... KEEP your hands away from the keyboard! We have an agreement. Keep to it. 

"I would love to give Lisa, Linda, 'Tasha, Vickie, Sallie, and a host of others my fullest dish of hell right now, but most of them are either just going to bed, sound asleep or about to get up. You, on the other hand, are fully awake and insist on doing full harm to me!" 

That's right, Mulder. You're a gun losing, haunted, tortured character. I'm proud to carry on that tradition. Scat! I need to do this. 

"Yeah, right. And I need to learn how to knit. Look, just for once, can't you do me a favor and write me into a story where there's a lot of good things happening, Scully and I solve the case relatively unharmed... " 

And they all live happily ever after? No. Mulder, you know very well as FBI Agents, you and Scully are often in danger. Especially due to your search for The Truth. All of those freaky creatures you've met have given it to you, too. Good grief, it wouldn't have had any suspense if anyone had put you in Green Gables. Besides, FBI doesn't stand for 'Fuzzy Blubbering Idiots.' 

"I'm an intelligent character, and I don't get any of the happiness I deserve." 

Well, congratulations for figuring that out. Crime fighting, federal investigations, and the paranormal are your bread and butter, Mulder. Think of what you've done for Scully's career! 

"And to it. I'm responsible for her cancer..." 

Personal note: Another cancer arc fic with lots of Mulder angst and self-blame. 

".. the loss of her sister..." 

Personal note: Scully blaming Mulder for Melissa's death and lashing out at him. 

"You think it's funny. All you cackling hens at those websites just aiming at me from head to toe. Heck, you can't even leave my mind alone!" 

Mental note: Mulder has a meltdown. Your mind is a great thing to mess with, dear! Oh, I think I get it now. You're just in a snit because Daddy Chris hasn't put you into that movie yet, and the fanfic is a little slow lately! By the way, where is Scully? 

"She's doing a survey among the other characters of other shows to find out just how they feel about fanfic writers. Her study sample is so large, I don't think she'll be reading much of anything until another few days or so." 

Cool. Don't you wish she were looking in with you? 

"Well, some people like... Oh no, you're not going to get me to comment an all the combinations and permutations of Scully and me and the various situations people have us in. I'm not going there. I'm certainly not going to give you any ideas!" 

How do you spell "permutations"? Ohh, hey! Don't press close without saving first! DON'T touch the keyboard! 

"You're using my visit here as material for a story?" 

You're a real person? Hey, leave the vanilla scented shampoo alone. I'm talking to you. 

"Look. Can't you put Scully and me into a relatively nice, smooth investigation where we end up..." 

You can't have happily ever after, Mulder! That's boring! Nothing to fight, search for or recover from equals no stories in this fandom. So, thank your lucky stars many writers, including me, care enough to still write about you in stories with pathos, drama, humor, horror and suspense. 

"Well, excu-u-use me!" 

Hey, calm down. I know it's not easy being you. So, if you'll go and poke other writers to do their thing, we'll all be happy. Personally, I'm noticing there hasn't been a lot to read lately, and I am trying to get something done here. Remember, for every writer you poke, give suggestions, even nag, there's bound to be more of your adventures with Scully and the gang. 

"Yeah, but it really isn't necessary to put me in danger so often. You know, many Agents just do their job without getting hurt, go home and that's it!" 

Well, not you and Scully. And please, before you go, take those sunflower seed shells with you. You know the drama, suspense and mystery are what attract most people to the show and the fics. 

"Sure. That's a given. But, I have a whole list of things YOU have been doing to me in fanfiction lately, and you're coming up with them awfully fast... " 

Thanks for the compliment, fictitious G-Man. You have a list? Are you keeping tabs on us? 

"Oh yeah. Ever since I started looking in on you people. Scully thought it was a wonderful idea. Let's see... Okay. Here we are. Your latest violations of my body, mind and spirit." 

Wait! Are you reading my files or going to the internet sites? 

"Oh, the internet sites. Some slap happy lady threatened to have me singing castralto when I tried to look over her shoulder, so I promised Scully and the rest of the fanfiction characters for other TV shows I wouldn't let anyone start that kind of a trend. You should see what someone was going to do with Beaver Cleaver when he tried to access files. It wasn't pretty. Anyhow, I do have my list of writers AND their fics. Your entries are pretty numerous." 

Thank you! Just trying to keep you in view. Uh, that 'slap-happy lady' who threatened she'd render you a gelding... It was Vickie, wasn't it!? Oh, tell me it was! I LOVE the things she has you mixed up in!!! 

"Must you smile when you ask that?" 

Yes. I MUST! I think it's the cardinal rule of Mulder Torture. Didn't you say something about a list? 

"Right here. One whopper of a list, too. Not to mention at least three brazen incidents involving running thread stories. Going on four, I suspect." 

Thank you, again, Mulder! That means I'm prolific at what I do to you. Even if I put you a bit out of character at times, just be thankful I refuse to put you in fuzzy slippers and lacy garments. What's the blank, scornful stare about? Oh, all right. Get on with it. Don't sit there, Mulder. I'd advise you to stay standing for your own safety. 

"Recently you have had me sitting in an alley in old, worn clothes rambling deliriously about having lost my job and trying hard to forget everything ever happened. Then I woke up in a hospital bed... " 

With Scully reassuring you and letting you know you'd only sustained a minor concussion and some bruises while chasing a crook. See? You're always alive in the end, and this time the perpetrator was caught. 

"To continue... You had Scully recount the many ways I was teased, discredited and even harrassed in the halls of the Hoover. To top it all off, you decided one Tom Colton would be the most tenacious teaser, and there was a showdown at his home in front of his wife, during which time I was battered, he was battered, and I ended up pushing his face into a pile of 'doggie doo-doo'. Classic camp if ever I've read it." 

Well, there was a need for fics in which Mulder would be mercilessly teased by colleagues and deal with it, so I just filled the need. Face it, teasing hurts. 

"You admit it! Another blatant excuse to torture me under the guise of having me solve the problem. Shame on you." 

You read it, too! Man, this is just too cool! Well, don't look so disgusted, Mulder. You ARE known as 'Spooky' Mulder, and as I recall, the teasing at the Bureau stopped. Didn't I make it all better in the end? 

"As I was saying... One Agent Mulder distrusts Agent Scully under the influence of subliminal suggestions... " 

Scully pulled you out of that one, too. So, don't bug me. I'm really getting tired of this visit, Mulder. Go bug someone else. You said you had a long list to get through with your lihost of grievances against them, so get going. 

"I'm not finished yet." 

Yes you are. I have an episode to watch tonight, shower to take and my hair to set. Aw, you've totally turned me away from that dark basement. 

"Now look who's getting pissed off." 

I am NOT getting... Okay. So I am getting edgy. New leather jacket? 

"Yeah. The fifth one this month. And it's a slow month for us. Don't change the subject. Now I have a lot of authors to tell off and your list of offences against me and Scully is quite extensive." 

More reason to go poke the others. You know it's become a bit slow on at the sites, so you shouldn't waste your time here. The best thing you could possible do for your popularity is to go straight over to the other authors' places and give them a piece of your virtual mind, then gently prod them for stories. 

"Well, I have this idea for you to... " 

Mulder, I have a few ideas of my own. Really. Get out there and campaign for your character! 

"But I have to..." 

Save As. Close. Rename. Proof read. Done. Now, what's next on my agenda? 

**END**

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Title: **He's Back Again!**  
Author: Pattie  
Details: 10k  ·  PG-13  ·  Standalone  ·  07/11/05  ·   Email/Website      
Gossamer Category(Keywords): Vignette   [Humor, Angst]   (Alternate universe)   
Characters: Mulder, Scully     
Pairings: None   
SPOILERS: None   
SUMMARY: Mulder describes his latest gripes with this author. 


End file.
